As Indian markets nervously await Powell’s next “we’re not cutting yet” speech, the big dogs of Wall Street are busy showing off their Q1 2025 report cards — and spoiler alert: the nerds (Big Tech) are still topping the class, the fast-food chains are eating up inflation, and the banks? Well… they’re charging you for breathing.

Here’s your no-nonsense, sarcasm-laced summary of U.S. corporate earnings so far:

1. Apple (AAPL) – iRevenue Shrunk, But Not Dead Yet

• Revenue: $90.75 billion (↓ 4% YoY)
• Net Income: $23.6 billion (↓ 2%)
• India Mentioned: 15 times on earnings call — we’re the new China, baby!
• Bonus: $110 billion buyback because Tim Cook knows how to keep investors sedated.

📱Translation: iPhones may be boring now, but Apple prints cash like RBI printing ₹2000 notes in 2016.

2. Microsoft (MSFT) – AI = Always Increasing

• Revenue: $61.9 billion (↑ 17%)
• Net Income: $21.9 billion (↑ 20%)
• Azure Growth: 31% — because every CEO wants to say “we’re in the cloud now”

🧠 AI mention counter: 38 times. They even made Excel sound cool again.

3. Alphabet (GOOGL) – Search is Eternal, Ads Pay the Rent

• Revenue: $80.5 billion (↑ 15%)
• YouTube Ads: ↑ 21% – congrats, that 5-second skip button funds Sundar Pichai’s salary
• Cloud: Up 28%, finally catching up to the Azure-AWS show.

📢 Special treat: Declared its first-ever dividend. Wall Street cried tears of passive income.

4. Amazon (AMZN) – Delivering Profits, Finally

• Revenue: $143.3 billion (↑ 13%)
• Net Income: $10.4 billion (↑ 230%) — yes, triple-digit profit growth. Finally not just a logistics charity.
• AWS: Still their piggy bank — revenue up 17%.

📦 Moral: Prime users keep buying, even if it’s 3 a.m. and they’re drunk.

5. Meta (META) – Ads Up, Zuck Still Betting on the Metaverse

• Revenue: $36.5 billion (↑ 27%)
• Profit: $12.4 billion (↑ 117%) — Insta Reels are paying big
• Reality Labs (Metaverse): Lost $3.8 billion. Again.

🧑‍💻 Translation: As long as you keep scrolling reels, Zuck will keep building the Sims IRL.

6. Tesla (TSLA) – Elon’s Earnings Rollercoaster

• Revenue: $21.3 billion (↓ 9%)
• Profit: $1.1 billion (↓ 55%)
• Margins: Crashed faster than a self-driving demo

⚡ What’s new? Robotaxi launch teased for August. Knowing Elon, maybe it’ll actually be a horse.

7. McDonald’s (MCD) – Big Macs Beat Inflation

• Revenue: $6.17 billion (↑ 5%)
• Profit: $1.93 billion (↑ 8%)

🍔 Lesson: In a recession or rate hike, people still want fries. Pricing power > central banks.

8. Coca-Cola (KO) – Still Fizzing

• Revenue: $11.3 billion (↑ 3%)
• Profit: $3.2 billion (↑ 7%)

🥤 Verdict: Sugar never goes out of style. And Pepsi’s still losing.

9. JPMorgan Chase (JPM) – King of the Banks

• Revenue: $42.5 billion (↑ 12%)
• Net Income: $13.4 billion (↑ 6%)

💰 Hot take: They made more money on your credit card interest than your 5-year FD will ever return.

10. Netflix (NFLX) – Password Crackdown Works

• Revenue: $9.4 billion (↑ 15%)
• Subscribers: +9.3 million (don’t worry, half still use their ex’s login)
• Ad-tier monetization: Up — because Gen Z is broke.

📺 And yes, they’re making another Korean survival show. It’s tradition now.

TL;DR – Who’s Winning?