Berlin, May 6, 2025 — Move over, House of Cards. The Bundestag just served up a spicy episode of Democracy: The German Remix, starring none other than Friedrich Merz—Germany’s new Chancellor, finance-world aficionado, and a man who might just iron his ties with Teutonic discipline.
But before the gray-haired conservative finally got the keys to Angela Merkel’s old office (yes, they probably still haven’t changed the wallpaper), the German parliament treated us to a suspense-filled vote that nearly flopped harder than a Bundesliga team in the Europa League.
🎭 Episode 1: “Not So Fast, Friedrich”
Let’s set the scene: The Christian Democratic Union (CDU) and its Bavarian cousin CSU had joined hands with the Social Democrats (SPD)—because nothing screams stability like a coalition where everyone secretly side-eyes each other. Together, they had 328 out of 730 seats. So when Merz stepped up to get elected as Chancellor, everyone assumed it was going to be a clean sweep.
Plot twist: it wasn’t.
The first vote fell short. Merz got just 310 votes, six shy of the 316 needed. It was the political equivalent of slipping on a bratwurst and faceplanting into a pretzel.
Gasps echoed through the Bundestag. Twitter—sorry, “X”—lit up. Was this a mutiny? A secret protest? Did someone forget to mark their ballot? Had Olaf Scholz snuck in wearing a fake mustache?
Even the AfD (far-right party) got excited, using the opportunity to call for snap elections. It’s unclear whether they were serious or just saw a chance to trend on German TikTok.
🧠 Episode 2: The Secret Ballot Strikes Again
The drama wasn’t about policy, vision, or ideology—it was about vibes. And those vibes were off.
The CDU/CSU-SPD coalition clearly had the numbers. But secret ballots have a way of exposing what people really think. It turns out some MPs were either making a statement or just really, really indecisive.
(Or maybe they were distracted by the Met Gala photos and accidentally voted “Billie Eilish for Chancellor.” We’ll never know.)
Cue emergency meetings. Cue tense whispers in marble hallways. Cue someone Googling “Can you get impeached before you’re elected?”
💼 Episode 3: Redemption Arc
After the near-fumble, the Bundestag reconvened for a second vote—this time with enough peer pressure to crack German engineering.
Friedrich Merz received 325 votes. Cue polite German applause (probably very rhythmic).
At long last, he was elected Chancellor.
In a political world dominated by cautious centrists and big-talking populists, Merz is…well, a bit of both. He’s business-friendly, a fiscal hawk, and reportedly once tried to deduct an Excel license from his taxes. A former BlackRock executive, he enters office with a briefcase full of spreadsheets and a heart full of Ordnung.
🌍 Europe Reacts: “Danke, Finally!”
European leaders were quick to send their regards. Emmanuel Macron allegedly fist-bumped his aide. Volodymyr Zelenskyy of Ukraine issued a statement of support, probably hoping Merz brings the same enthusiasm for defense as he does for debt ceilings.
Even Ursula von der Leyen chimed in, proving once again that the EU loves a fellow suit-wearer with a confusing voting history.
But beyond the congratulatory phone calls lies a Germany in flux.
🛠 What’s on Merz’s To-Do List?
- Economic Recovery – Germany’s economy is currently performing like a beer left open overnight: flat and disappointing. Merz has promised to revive it with reforms, investments, and fewer public holidays (okay, maybe not that last one).
- Immigration Policy – A hot potato in German politics. Merz walks the tightrope between conservative restriction and liberal values. Everyone’s watching to see if he balances or bellyflops.
- European Unity – As France throws baguettes at Brussels and Hungary becomes more “Hungarian” by the day, Germany has to keep the EU engine running. That means diplomacy, cash, and the occasional stern letter.
- Countering the Far Right – AfD has surged in polls. Merz, ironically, rose to power in part by sounding tougher than Scholz—but now must prove he can lead without stoking the flames of nationalism.
- Climate Policy – Germany’s ambitious climate targets are still on the table. Merz, however, has often been seen as less enthusiastic than Greta Thunberg. His climate minister will have their work cut out.
📜 Who is Friedrich Merz, Anyway?
Friedrich Merz, 69, is a veteran politician, lawyer, and certified middle manager in human form. He’s been around since the Kohl era, took a break to make millions in the private sector, and returned like a dad who went out for cigarettes but came back with a hedge fund.
Known for his sharp suits, blunt speech, and love for economic orthodoxy, Merz has built a reputation as a man who believes in order, growth, and keeping the EU budget tighter than German punctuality.
He’s also had a few, uh, “interesting” takes over the years—like suggesting the right to asylum should be rethought, and that tax cuts will cure all social ills. Whether he’ll moderate now that he’s in power remains to be seen.
🔮 What This Means for Germany
For the average German, nothing will change overnight—except maybe fewer jokes about Olaf Scholz forgetting he was Chancellor. But politically, this marks a major rightward shift in tone, especially on economics and immigration.
Merz’s success or failure will depend on how he manages the coalition. The SPD, after all, isn’t exactly known for cozying up to boardroom conservatives. Expect fights, backroom deals, and at least one viral moment where someone shouts in very passionate German.
📉 For the Markets?
The DAX reacted modestly—investors don’t mind Merz. He’s seen as pro-business, anti-surprise, and fiscally disciplined. Expect more corporate tax cuts than government stimulus. If you’re in German bonds or big industrials, this might be your moment.
(If you’re in German rap or niche vegan startups… maybe not.)
🤡 Final Thoughts – A Chancellor with Swagger?
Whether Friedrich Merz becomes the next Merkel or just the next meme depends on what he does next. But for now, Germany has a new leader—and it wasn’t boring getting here.
He came, he almost flopped, and he conquered.
Time to see if he governs as well as he negotiates surprise second ballots.
