EduInvesting.in | May 11, 2025

Disclaimer: This article contains satire. If you are from Pakistan and offended, please note — we asked nicely to stop sending terrorists for decades.

📉 “Buy high, bomb low” — The Islamabad Investment Philosophy

While Warren Buffett says, “Be fearful when others are greedy,” Pakistan’s national motto seems to be “Be delusional when others are rational.” Over the last 75 years, our beloved western neighbour has pioneered an economic model never taught in B-schools — Terrorism-as-a-Service (TaaS).

Move over SaaS, PaaS, and AI… Pakistan’s biggest export isn’t tech or textiles — it’s non-state actors with state-funded training and AK-47s. Let’s explore this genius investment strategy that has guaranteed zero returns and 100% global sanctions.

💰 Step 1: Fund Terror, Forget Trade

While India was building IT parks, nuclear plants, and ISRO rockets that hit the Moon, Pakistan was building terror camps with Google Maps coordinates accidentally uploaded to jihadi WhatsApp groups.

Key Metrics:

Source: Fantasy Finance Reports of ISI, World Bank, and “Oops! We Did It Again” weekly.

🧠 Step 2: Strategic Depth = Strategic Debt

Pakistan’s military has a doctrine called “Strategic Depth” — the idea of controlling Afghanistan to avoid Indian influence. Translation? Let’s destabilize our neighbour, then cry when refugees, drugs, and terrorists flood in.

India sent Chandrayaan to the Moon.

Pakistan sent Haqqanis to Kabul.

Result? India gets NASA praise. Pakistan gets UN warnings.

🥁 Step 3: International PR via “We’re Also Victims”

After harboring Osama bin Laden next to a military base (because Airbnb wasn’t available?), Pakistan spent the next decade saying:

“We too are victims of terrorism.”

Imagine setting your own house on fire, then asking your neighbor for a fire extinguisher, water, insurance, and biryani because you’re hungry.

💸 Step 4: IMF as the Family ATM

Pakistan’s balance sheet is more unstable than a crypto bro’s emotions.

• Foreign reserves in 2023: $3.7 Billion
• Monthly debt repayments: $2 Billion
• Confidence in repayment: -1000%

To keep the economy going, Pakistan applies to the IMF more often than students apply to DU with fake marksheets.

Fun Fact:
The IMF has a special form now:

“Are you Pakistan? If yes, skip to the loan disbursement section.”

🔫 Step 5: State Policy = Proxy War

While normal countries debate budgets, Pakistan’s Parliament spends more time naming new operations like Zarb-e-Azb, Radd-ul-Fasaad, and our favorite — Operation “We Swear This Time It’s Not Our Fault”.

Meanwhile, the ISI keeps launching IPOs:

• Jaish-e-Mohammed Ltd.
• Lashkar Innovations Pvt. Ltd.
• TTP & Sons International

These terror startups may not raise Series A funding, but they sure know how to blow things up — literally and economically.

📉 Stock Performance: KSE vs Sensex

Oh, and that 45,000 is adjusted with black money, untraceable remittances, and goat exports during Eid.

💀 Bonus Asset Class: Human Bombs

While India invests in Digital India, Pakistan invests in Digital Detonators.

Some of their previous startups:

• 2001: Parliament Attack Inc.
• 2008: Mumbai 26/11 Pvt. Ltd.
• 2016: Pathankot Airport Ventures
• 2019: Pulwama Express Ltd.

India replies with surgical strikes. Pakistan replies with “We strongly condemn this… also, can we borrow some sugar?”

📺 Media Strategy: Cry on Al Jazeera

Whenever caught red-handed:

• Deny
• Blame India
• Appear on Al Jazeera crying

The only consistent export from Pakistan besides mangoes is excuses.

And yes, every time FATF grey-lists them, their economy gets F-ed. Again.

🎭 Global Reputation: “Friendzoned by China”

Even China, their “iron brother,” only invites them to BRI conferences to serve chai and not participate. The relationship is basically:

China: “Build road here.”
Pakistan: “But that’s our village…”
China: “Your road now. Sign here.”

And when it’s time to pay? Oops, power outages.

🛑 Pakistan’s Future ETF: Terror-Focused, Sanction-Backed

Don’t invest in TERROR.IN (Pakistan Index ETF):

• 📉 P/E Ratio: Pathetic / Erratic
• 🧾 Dividend Yield: Negative (You pay them)
• 🌐 Global ESG Score: -69
• 💸 Investor Sentiment: Strong Sell (and Run)

🤡 Final Take: “From Failed State to Meme State”

Pakistan has spent 75 years blaming partition, Kashmir, India, colonialism, Zionism, their own citizens, and finally: climate change.

They’ve tried everything except governance.

So here’s our EduInvesting guide for them:

Step 1: Stop sponsoring terror.
Step 2: Start sponsoring tech.
Step 3: Maybe don’t hide global terrorists near military HQs.
Step 4: Sell biryani, not bombs.

Until then, their national slogan may as well be:

“Terrorism ho ya tourism, hum toh bas IMF se dosti karenge.”

🇮🇳 India’s advice? Focus on mutual growth. But if you keep poking, remember — we don’t mind replying with Air Strikes & ATM freezes. ✈️💥