EduInvesting.in | May 11, 2025
Disclaimer: This article contains satire. If you are from Pakistan and offended, please note — we asked nicely to stop sending terrorists for decades.
📉 “Buy high, bomb low” — The Islamabad Investment Philosophy
While Warren Buffett says, “Be fearful when others are greedy,” Pakistan’s national motto seems to be “Be delusional when others are rational.” Over the last 75 years, our beloved western neighbour has pioneered an economic model never taught in B-schools — Terrorism-as-a-Service (TaaS).
Move over SaaS, PaaS, and AI… Pakistan’s biggest export isn’t tech or textiles — it’s non-state actors with state-funded training and AK-47s. Let’s explore this genius investment strategy that has guaranteed zero returns and 100% global sanctions.
💰 Step 1: Fund Terror, Forget Trade
While India was building IT parks, nuclear plants, and ISRO rockets that hit the Moon, Pakistan was building terror camps with Google Maps coordinates accidentally uploaded to jihadi WhatsApp groups.
Key Metrics:
| Year | Export Revenue (USD Bn) | Terror Incidents Linked | IMF Loans Taken |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2001 | $9.2B | 45+ | 1 |
| 2010 | $21.4B | 100+ | 3 |
| 2022 | $30.5B | Still counting… | Lost count |
Source: Fantasy Finance Reports of ISI, World Bank, and “Oops! We Did It Again” weekly.
🧠 Step 2: Strategic Depth = Strategic Debt
Pakistan’s military has a doctrine called “Strategic Depth” — the idea of controlling Afghanistan to avoid Indian influence. Translation? Let’s destabilize our neighbour, then cry when refugees, drugs,
and terrorists flood in.
India sent Chandrayaan to the Moon.
Pakistan sent Haqqanis to Kabul.
Result? India gets NASA praise. Pakistan gets UN warnings.
🥁 Step 3: International PR via “We’re Also Victims”
After harboring Osama bin Laden next to a military base (because Airbnb wasn’t available?), Pakistan spent the next decade saying:
“We too are victims of terrorism.”
Imagine setting your own house on fire, then asking your neighbor for a fire extinguisher, water, insurance, and biryani because you’re hungry.
💸 Step 4: IMF as the Family ATM
Pakistan’s balance sheet is more unstable than a crypto bro’s emotions.
- Foreign reserves in 2023: $3.7 Billion
- Monthly debt repayments: $2 Billion
- Confidence in repayment: -1000%
To keep the economy going, Pakistan applies to the IMF more often than students apply to DU with fake marksheets.
Fun Fact:
The IMF has a special form now:
“Are you
